HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE UPRISING by Beanie

Bean recently got published in his college newspaper for an opinion piece he did giving sage advice about zombie survival. Who knew how important this information was? Apparently along with earthquake kits we also need Zombie survival kits. Forgive a doting Mom, and without further adieu...

HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE UPRISING
On Oct. 2, the new Woody Harrelson film “Zombieland” will hit theaters, getting everyone ready for the Halloween season.

The movie itself is about a few survivors going through their own little world and killing zombies. This of course got me thinking: how would I survive a zombie invasion?

After countless hours of trying to answer the question, instead of doing my homework, I came up with a few ideas.

First, you must know your enemy. There have been many books, movies, TV shows and comic books about the walking undead, but there are still those who have absolutely no idea what a “zombie” really is and being the awesome person that I am, I thought it would be wise to give you a little insight before you become acquainted with them on a very personal/scary level.

A zombie is a reanimated corpse that constantly hungers for flesh and more times then not, human flesh. As scary as this information may be, these creatures are not at the Hannibal Lecter status.

They are slow moving, mindless beasts that can easily be out maneuvered or tricked.

Now, there are a few stories out there about the very fast zombies and if you are forced to go against them, I hope you are in great shape.

There are ways that you can protect yourself from a zombie attack, by doing all of the little things right now. Here are a few tips that I came up with that even your pet monkey could do. Yes, I said your pet monkey. The one in your closet. Idiot.

First of all, you are going to need a survival pack that is ready to go with you at a moment’s notice because, lets face it, there’s not going to be any real warning that a zombie invasion is going on.

That is until you hear, “Holy crap, monkeys! There are zombies coming after me!” from your neighbor.

However, you wont believe him until you poke your head out and you see the hoards taking their time walking and stumbling over their decayed selves.

The survival pack should include lots of water bottles, Top Ramen and a personal weapon to defend yourself that is light and easy to carry in your bag.

Water is essential for the human body to survive. The human body also needs food to survive on and that is where Top Ramen comes into play. True, it is not the most delicious food choice out there, but can you name another food that will taste the same ten years from now? How about a hundred years? Top Ramen: the diet for every college kid and zombie survivor.

Now, the weapon of choice in your bag is very important here because there will be a lot of times when you can’t run away from the zombies. They may be slow and dumb, but there are a lot of them.

The weapon that you choose can save your life, so choose wisely.

Now, guns are a great choice because they can kill the undead, or at least mightily annoy them from a distance, but guns are only as useful as the number of bullets you have.

A katana would be a great choice because they are light, really sharp and best of all, they never run out of ammo.

Unfortunately, not too many people own a katana or a sword of any kind, so the basic garage items would be just as useful: baseball bat, hockey stick, a saw, etc.

Basically anything that you can swing around and do a lot of damage with.

Once you have a handy dandy survival pack, you can get with your friends and go to safety.

There really is no safe place from the zombies because they are everywhere. The best thing to do is to constantly be on the move, killing any zombies that cross your path that you are unable to escape from.

Once you’re with your friends, there are a few simple rules that you must abide by.

First, exploration equals mutilation. Do you want to know what’s behind that dark scary corner? I don’t, so why should you? (The first rule came from “How to Survive A Horror Movie,” a great read.)

Second, never split up; those that split up are always found killed in different locations.

The next rule should be obvious, but this is the first rule that seems to always get broken.

Do not, I repeat, do not have sex when running for your lives. Zombies are not a turn-on, and unless you want a zombie to walk in on you when you are most vulnerable, just keep it in your pants.

The chances of a zombie invasion actually occurring are very slim, but now you will know what to do when one does happen.

Save this article, keep it in your pocket, and you can save yourself, your friends and the pet monkey that you keep in your closet.