Jonathan ...

I'll miss you forever...

Jonathan Jude Sanders

January 28, 1959 - October 24, 2004

In 2004 we lost my mother in January and my brother in October. It was a rough year to say the least. My brother was only 45 years old and had lived his whole life coping with physical handicaps he had been born with.

Losing your parents is not easy, but something you expect in the natural order of things. Losing your sibling is different. For me it was like losing part of myself because I was in this unit of nine children and Jonny is right in the middle of the birth order...a precious part of us that defined our family unit. With his loss I felt more hollowed out than when my Mom died, more like I physical hole was left in my body that nothing or no one could ever replace, change or fill that was just Jonny.

I have a beautiful diffenbachia plant in my home that was sent to our family when Jonny died. It's huge now and we just recently transplanted it into a bigger pot. I talk to it and call it Jonny and seeing it makes me feel better. I know I don't have to get over losing these people I've loved, but I am finding ways to live with their loss and after two years I feel blessed and content with that.

I Remember

It somehow doesn't seem right, at least for me, to write a blog today without remembering the tragedy that occurred five years ago. I couldn't begin to articulate all the feelings and emotions I had then, or those I have today.

So I'm going to follow the lead from SB Sarah at Smart Bitches and just remember, in my own way, and be grateful.

Mom

Mom
August 9 1932 - January 10, 2004

I spoke with three of my sibs today Mom. We all talked about you. CWS was preparing a meal of all your favorite things. It's been two and a half years and some days the grief is sharp and new all over again. It's silly I guess, but I didn't expect it to be like this. Whatever I DID think it was going to be, well, I don't have a clue, but just not like this. I guess you are never too old to miss your Mother. I sure miss you.

I LOVE YOU MOM! I'LL MISS YOU FOREVER...

Mom
August 9, 1932 -- January 10, 2004

God Speed Richard Pryor

Memories of laughing until my sides ached; exposing our country's deeply rooted prejudice with humor; the movies with Gene Wilder; the drug problems; his resilience. He found out he had MS about the same time my Mom was diagnosed as well. Crappy disease!!

What a gift to the world he was!

Jonathan..

I'll miss you forever...

Jonathan Jude Sanders

January 28, 1959 - October 24, 2004

Growing Up is Hard to Do.

Our children, we try to protect them until they get old enough to protect themselves. At least that's what we tell ourselves when they are little tiny bundles of humanity held in our arms as infants.

We really believe, I really believed, that there would be a gradual letting go. As they mature and do more things, like date and drive, you convince yourself that you are watching them grow up and become the men they were meant to be independent of you. For the most part that is true. But every once in a while they take or make noticeable giant steps, and before we can blink a significant moment has passed.

I don't think I'm that different than most parents. While we want to let our kids be whoever they are meant to be...to be happy, we also want them to get the grades we think they should get; go the the college or university we think they should go to; and, become someone not too different from what we ourselves are. We do this so we can still reach out, touch and understand this little being who has now grown into a man or woman. We want them to grow and do and be...just not too far away from us. : )

Letting go just isn't that easy. Letting your child truly be who they are...warts and all...and loving them in that place isn't easy. Especially if you believe you see other gifts and talents you would like them to nuture and grow. So how much do you push? Sometimes they want you to decide things for them. Sometimes they want you to say "no". Being a Mother is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. While it brings me great joy, love and laughter, my parenting has also been the source of my greatest challenges, worry and heartache. My husband and I spend alot of time trying to figure this whole parent thing out.

This past weekend has been a new challenge. Last Friday my son's 15 year old friend was killed in a traffic accident. It was a devasting shock to him and all their mutual friends. My son switches from numb disbelief to anger and back again. He has been nervous and anxious. Tomorrow is the funeral.

It isn't the first time his life has been touched by death by someone close. Last year in the space of 10 months he lost both his grandmothers and his 45 year old uncle. The difference was they were lots older and everyone of them had a prolonged illness. This sudden death he just doesn't understand. Both my husband and I did not have the exposure to people close in our life who were sick for prolonged periods of time and died. Neither did we have a sudden death in our lives like both our sons have experienced. We were at a loss on how it feels to experience something like this at so young an age. So you talk, you love up on 'em, and cry with them and talk some more...

So while I'm talking to cute E-mo kid about loss and letting go, I'm letting go of him a little bit more too. Seeing and knowing that I am not the heart or only place he turns to now in sorrow. I share him with his girlfriend and school friends. It's the way it's supposed to be, and I am so glad he has all these other people in his life. I really am. It is hard not to wish I could pick him up and hold him like I did when he was small and be the place and person who makes it all right for him. And while I know we will always have a good relationship and be a part of each other's lives, I'm watching him take some more steps away from me and toward becoming a man.

Strong 7.6-Magnitude Earthquake Rocks Southern Asia

The tragedy world 'round with the tsunami, hurricanes and now this earthquake...has been enough to break all our hearts. My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of India and Pakistan.

TGIF!!

If I've ever been happier to see a Friday than this one...I don't know when it was. Of course, it was rent week at work, my first full week back after I almost quit and the dramatic and distressing news about events in the south. It has been exhausting. I don't believe I've wept as much since 9/11.

While, I've tried not to obsess over Katrina events, it is so huge it seems to have taken up residence as a niggling worry in the back of my mind. However, the last two days I've made a concerted effort not to get sucked into surfing the web reading news. I've been trying to get some perspective and resume my normal life...whatever that is.

So while trying to think about other things I decided to I'd do a the week in review and think about things that are great in my life. Like Oprah did a few years ago with the Gratitude Attitude diaries. My list became THIS WEEK WASN'T THAT BAD BECAUSE...

1. I was caught up on laundry for almost an entire 24 hour period!

2. By the end of the week I was current on all deposits and postings at work.

3. I didn't have to get up at 5 a.m. to drive my son to school even one day.

4. I wasn't late picking my son up from school not even one day because I didn't have to pick him up this week either!

5. I worked just as hard as I always do but was making alot more money doing it this week.

6. My new car rocks! I love driving it.

7. I have a new car.

8. No arguments or groundings with either of the male child units.

9. My wonderful husband who didn't say "I told you so" once during the hell we call rent week.

10. My sister signed her first teaching contract and is over the moon about it.

11 . My brother Chris turned 38 this week.

12. My nieces Jessyka and Elizabeth got parts in the play they tried out for.

13. My Dad's former security company (MONITRONICS THE BIG FAT F***ING LOSERS) quit calling me in the middle of the night for alarms in a house my father no longer owns.

14. All those nearest and dearest are safe sound and loved.

Not bad, huh? Everything is about perspective. How we view things like the old adage...when you get lemons you make lemonade. So while my heart and my spirit are in sorrow for all that has been lost in the South. I'm going to keep my eyes and energy focused on hope.

HOPE

hope --n. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out well.



The people know the salt of the sea
and the strength of the winds
lashing the corners of the earth.
The people take the earth
as a tomb of rest and a cradle of hope.
Who else speaks for the Family of Man?
--Carl Sandburg

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.

--Proverbs

KATRINA & CHRIS

I've just finished reading the latest news about Katrina on a number of news publications on line. As usual I'm crying. The time line was of particular interest to me to see where and when warnings were given and who knew what when. Sadly, with the infrastructure and disaster plan that was in place I don't know what more could have been done to warn people. God help us all!!! The decisions to cut our FEMA teams from 3 to 2...FEMA cuts to shore up terrorist defense spending in Homeland Defense. Surely there is some sort of guideline or measurement of what it takes to adequately be prepared for such a disaster here in the United States?

I can only pray that we know better now and will do better in the future. I plan to have my say with my vote and influence as many people as I can.

It occurs to me that if I am this devastated...if other readers and watchers out there whose blogs I've read and whose pictures I've viewed are this devastated...can you even imagine how the people who LIVED through it feel? I cannot. It is simply more than my five senses can absorb or my heart can process.

As with 9/11 I sit here in sunny Southern California almost paralyzed with not knowing beyond a donation what to do. Outwardly my little world is so minimally changed. Beyond the aggravation of spending more for a gallon of gasoline, my life looks the same. But I don't feel the same inside.

So I give what I can, pray often, and my thoughts are never far from other mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, friends...women just like me who are separated from loved ones, without a job, a car or a home. So, I light another candle and say another prayer.

******************************************************************

HAPPY 38TH BIRTHDAY CHRISSY BOY!

YOU ARE THE BEST BROTHER

A SISTER

COULD EVER HOPE TO HAVE!

Death Toll Could Top 1000!!!

I just can't believe how horrible this disaster grows day by day. I can't imagine trying to get through the day. So many have lost everything including their lives. We have sent money to help with relief, but money can't give you back a loved one, or your children's baby pictures, the car you need to drive to work, your home...

So many in New Orleans in addition to the loss will have the possible loss of their jobs with the damage to the city and its economy which is so dependent on tourism.

God bless everyone in Katrina's path. My thoughts go out to the victims of this terrible storm and all those rescue workers and workers trying to restore services to the ravaged areas.

KICK 'EM WHILE THEY'RE DOWN...

Imagine if you will my surprise and disgust when I went to PBW's site to see if she had posted an update on the events surrounding her son's arrest to read she will probably have to shut it down.

When something bad happens in our lives, being able to maintain some island of normalcy or finding some sanctuary of peace is so helpful to surviving whatever one might be going through. So to think her site(s) have to be shut down because she is receivng threats at a time when she and her family are so vulnerable is sad, and frankly a disappointing indictment of how people respond in a crisis.

I don't know why I was so shocked. It's not like I don't know the world we live in. But I do have to admit that I was stunned when I read about the threats, more so when she noted that she had gotten personal attacks (in posts) from colleagues within the industry in which she works! That is particularly slimey.

All those who have read about her son (she has newspaper links in her original post) and this horrible drama know that the victims' families must be suffering terribly. Since when does that preclude us from having compassion for the family of the accused? I took a pass on the Shark Bait 101. How do people sleep at night?

In many of the comments to PBW's original post people were offering their sympathy and assuring her that she shouldn't feel guilty about her son. Which, as a mother, most people know is almost impossible to do. A parent will always wonder if there was something else they could have or should have done to get a different outcome.

Having said that, reasonable people know that you can't hold a parent, or sibling, or grandparents, or aunts or uncles, or friends, or teachers, or pastors, accountable for the actions of another adult. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own actions.

Don't think I don't have compassion for someone's difficulties as a child. I know there are many situations people are innocently born into that leave them with almost impossible odds to overcome and succeed. At the same time, I strongly believe we have to teach our children from a very young age that they are accountable for their actions. Personal responsibility. You can' t blame Mommy and Daddy all your life if your life sucks when you are 25...or 35 or 50.

So, while PBW's loss is not the same, or as final as the loss of the victims' families. Her family is entitled to feel grief, loss, pain, and devastation from these murders, and her son's involvement. She and her family should be able and allowed to feel all these things without being villified or judged for it. Most significantly, she should be able to keep her blog site open and try to continue with her life the best way she can.

As for me, I will be keeping all the people touched by this horror in my thoughts and prayers during the difficult days ahead.