A big family, a reading addiction, and the occasional celebrity scandal are the ingredients of life that create one woman's opinion on just about everything.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Married Sex vs. Rad Sex

Do the words "married sex" bring a thought, image or feeling immediately to mind? How about the words "rad sex"?

Over the years, as with most couples who have been together for a time, the guy I live with and I have developed a code or short hand for our sex life. We were recently discussing our deeper satisfaction with married sex in the last year and noted our declining need for rad sex.

One might conclude that married sex is the more generic and dare I say more boring of the two sexual encounters. Frankly when we coined the phrase many years ago, we were definitely referring to less energetic sex when we used the words "married sex".

However, in recent years married sex has come to mean something else. Married sex is the comfort of feeling like you know what your partner really likes and enjoys. Married sex gives you the confidence to explore and venture into new areas without fear of your partner rejecting you. Married sex is a deeper enjoyment of a physical connection without it having to be an athletic marathon. Married sex is comfort, connection and satisfaction.

Rad sex on the other hand is sex for sex sake -- the jubilant in the moment sex. Rad sex is the let's have sex and enjoy the purely physical. Rad sex is the reminder of ourselves at our most basic. It is the satisfaction of a physical need that has more to do with following biology than it does with meeting emotional needs.

During some recent pillow talk we were just enjoying the fact that we feel lucky to still have both sorts of sex in our lives. Rejoicing that we still find each other attractive. Joking that the emphasis has become more about the connection we have than actually connecting.

I remember an older lady from our church saying in a class I was taking years ago that sex becomes less and less important as you get older. I was 27 at the time and had only been married a couple of years. I remember feeling shocked and disappointed by her comment. Sex becomes less important...not important at all! NOOOOOOO!!! Of course immediately after I got out of the class I turned to the guy I live with to splutter my horror and indignation! In the midst of my rant I realized something...things take me a moment sometimes.

Different strokes for different folks...literally. Sex, the type of sex, the frequency, etc. varies from couple to couple...why would it be any different as you age. It would be as personal and as individual as each couple and their relationship...wouldn't it?

Unwilling to broach the conversation with my mother, too big an ick factor. Who wants to know about their parents' sex life? Not me!

So instead I asked Greg to make a pact with me. We agreed to try and make it seem like the honeymoon was never over. Okay, not an original pact, but I couldn't stand the idea of sitting idly by and letting our relationship and sex life sink into the mundane. Imagining Greg like a brother or just a comfortable roommate was an even bigger ick factor than talking to my Mom about her married sex life.

Anyway fast forward about 5 years. A couple who had been married over 50 years and in their seventies were at a party at my parents' house. They had been friends and neighbors of our family for many years. Anyway, Dorothy who is still living and a real corker by the way, was relating a story about a conversation with her granddaughter. Her granddaughter had apparently asked Dorothy how old a woman is when she stops having sex. Dorothy's reply was, "I don't know. You'll have to ask somebody else." Can you tell I love this story? Attitude baby...bad ass attitude.

Greg heard the same story. I couldn't wait to talk to him. I wanted to shout to him. Did you hear that? That's going to be us!!! We are going to be the old couple still having sex in our seventies and grossing out our grandchildren!!!

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Blogger MaryMary said...

Mrs. Morris? Oh My God! But hey, that's awesome! I love the idea of seeing Craig's aging, sagging, wrinkled self all wrapped around my sagging pounds of flesh!!!! I'm not being sarcastic either! I just want him to want me even after being married forever.

I agree with your married sex vs. rad sex. It's AAALLLLL GOOOOOOD!!

8:13 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was surfing blogs on the net and came across yours - EXCELLENT! My sadness? I'm 45, been married for 24 years, and for the last 15 (at least) my husband is NOT interested in sex, and is happy with a once a month (or longer) romp. It's my greatest sadness. He feels I have an unnatural interest in sex because I want him more often than that. I live for romance novels and love stories - because that ain't a part of my life. Jenny Crusie and Susan E. Phillips are my saviors!!!

7:06 PM PST  

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